Over the past few weeks, I’ve had several people ask me some version of this question:
“Pastor, someone I care about, someone I’ve been at odds with for a long time, is suddenly questioning or shifting their hard position. How do I engage without telling them, ‘I told you so’?”
I admire such honest questions and the care for another person in them, but I’ll admit there is a small, self-satisfied part of us that wants to win the moment. We have carried conviction. We have endured disagreement. We have sometimes felt dismissed. And now, suddenly, the ground is moving. So, what do we do with that?
This is the work of peacemaking in the gospel; not the moment for winning, owning, scoring or shaming. No, the call of Jesus in these moments is peacemaking… which is probably why I get asked for counsel.
When someone begins reconsidering a long-held belief, be it political, theological, social, or personal they are in a vulnerable place. Something is shifting inside them, it could be identity, belonging, certainty or all of that and it is holy ground. If we rush it, we can shut it down. So how do we build a bridge instead?
Here are five practices rooted both in research and in the way of Jesus.
1) Lead with curiosity, not correction
Research in motivational interviewing, a counseling approach developed by psychologists William Miller and Stephen Rollnick, shows that people change most sustainably when they articulate their own reasons for change rather than having them imposed from the outside.[1]
In other words, growth happens through conversation, not conquest.
Instead of: “Well, I’ve been saying that for years.” Try: “What’s been shifting for you?” or “What have you been noticing lately?” Curiosity lowers defenses. Correction raises them.
Jonathan Haidt’s work on moral psychology suggests that our beliefs are rarely just about facts. They’re tied to identity and community.[2] So when someone reconsiders a position, they may not just be revising an opinion. They may be risking belonging. Recognizing this makes these moments deserve gentleness.
2. Protect their dignity
Leon Festinger’s theory of cognitive dissonance explains that when new information clashes with long-held beliefs, it creates internal discomfort.[3] One way to relieve that discomfort is to double down. Another is to change, but that can feel humiliating. If we add shame to the moment, we increase the likelihood that they will retreat. Brené Brown’s research consistently shows that shame shuts people down, while empathy allows them to grow.[4]
So instead of: “See? You were wrong.” Try: “It takes courage to wrestle with something like this,” or “I can imagine that’s not easy.” We protect dignity not because we are wrong, but because relationship matters more than being right.
3. Separate the person from the position
Conflict scholars Roger Fisher and William Ury describe one core principle in negotiation as “separating the people from the problem.” [5] Someone’s position is not their personhood. If a loved one shifts, we can affirm: “I’ve always respected your desire for integrity.” or “Your heart for fairness has always mattered to me.”
Often what changes is not a person’s core value such as: justice, safety, faithfulness, freedom but how they think that value is best lived out. When we affirm the underlying value, we make it possible for them to move without feeling like they’ve betrayed themselves. That’s peacemaking.
4. Resist triumphalism
I’ll admit it feels good to win, but humiliation hardens people. Research published in Political Psychology shows that experiences of moral humiliation or social marginalization tend to increase polarization rather than reduce it.[6] Triumphalism may give us a moment of satisfaction, but it often closes the relational door we actually care about.
This is what Jesus really presses on us. In Philippians 2, we see that Jesus does not grasp at status. Jesus empties himself. The pattern of Jesus is not vindication first, but humility first. If anyone had the right to say, “I told you so,” it would have been Jesus. And yet the cross speaks a different language.
5. Remember: change often carries grief
When someone reconsiders a long-held position, they may be grieving more than we realize. They may be grieving:
- A community they feel distant from
- Leaders they once trusted
- A version of themselves
- A sense of certainty
Sociologist Arlie Hochschild’s work on political identity shows how deeply intertwined belief and belonging are.[7] To shift belief can feel like exile. If we only celebrate the shift and ignore the loss, we miss the whole person. In this way, peacemakers make room for mourning.
In the beatitudes recorded in Matthew 5:9, Jesus says, “Blessed are the peacemakers.”
Peacemaking is not pretending differences don’t exist, abandoning conviction nor silencing truth. It is about protecting relationship while truth unfolds. It is about creating safety for growth. It is absorbing the moment without exploiting it.
If I’m honest, sometimes the greatest spiritual discipline is not speaking the triumphant sentence we have rehearsed in our heads for years.
So maybe peacemaking in this season looks like this:
Not, “I told you so.” But, “I’m glad we’re still talking.” Not, “You finally see it.” But, “Thank you for trusting me enough to wrestle out loud.”
In fragile moments like these, the question is not whether we were right. The question is whether love will guide what we do next and in any moment this is the work of the gospel peacemaking.
Footnotes
[1] William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick, Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change, 3rd ed. (New York: Guilford Press, 2013).
[2] Jonathan Haidt, The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion (New York: Pantheon Books, 2012).
[3] Leon Festinger, A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance (Stanford: Stanford University Press, 1957).
[4] Brené Brown, Daring Greatly (New York: Gotham Books, 2012); see also Brown’s research on shame and vulnerability.
[5] Roger Fisher and William Ury, Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In (New York: Penguin Books, 1981).
[6] See research on humiliation and political extremism in Political Psychology, e.g., Lindner, Evelin G., “Emotion and Conflict: How Human Rights Can Dignify Emotion and Help Us Wage Good Conflict,” Political Psychology 29, no. 3 (2008): 381–402.
[7] Arlie Russell Hochschild, Strangers in Their Own Land (New York: The New Press, 2016).